1. Dear Jacki: I am currently sleeping with a married woman and she has just offered to buy me a truck. Do you think that is right? Should I take the truck? Signed: Undecided in Utah

Dear Undecided: Absolutely! Take the truck! Who wouldn't want a new truck? (You must be something else, girl!!) However, there are a few things I suggest you consider and take care of before you actually say yes. What happens if you, well, you know, if "things" don't work out? Will the truck be in your name? Make this happen. Protect your interest. Who is going to pay the insurance? If she is, make sure you have enough money set aside just in case she misses a payment. Speaking of that, make sure you have enough money set aside to cover the truck payments...you know...just in case. Who gets to pick out the color? Do you get little fuzzy dice for the rear view mirror? Who pays for that? What about her husband? Make provisions. Cover yourself, girl. Actually, now that I think of it, why don't you just buy the truck yourself? This sounds like a lot of work to me. Why do you need a truck, anyway? THAT'S the REAL question.

2. Dear Jacki: I am a lesbian who is out at work. A few months ago a new employee, "Bill", was hired, and it wasn't long before he showed himself to be a real "mover and shaker" who is gung-ho to climb the corporate ladder, even announcing that he has cut-throat plans of getting rid of our present supervisor, who, though he could use some brushing up on his management skills, is rather well-liked here. "Bill" is an arrogant jerk, and several people have already said they will leave if "Bill" "takes over". My dilemma: Rumors abound that "Bill" is gay. I never listen to rumors, but I ran into him at the local gay bar and now I wonder if I should support him because he is gay. You know, we need each, don't we?. Should I warn him about the rumors? Signed: What About "Bill" in Winnepeg

Dear What: What rumor? "Bill" IS gay. I know "Bill" is gay. EVERBODY knows "Bill" is gay. Where have you been? I do believe "Bill" already knows he's gay, too. Don't waste your time warning him! Support him at work? Absolutely!! Doesn't matter if "Bill" is an arrogant, cutthroat, obnoxious jerk. He's GAY for goodness sakes!!! Where's your sense of loyalty? What's more important? Good business or taking over the world???? ALWAYS support gay businesses and gay employees regardless of their abilities. Doesn't eveyone know that? Sheesh. No brainer, don't you think? By the way, why do you think he has quote marks around his name? A little pompous, if you ask me, but you didn't, so forget it.

3. Dear Jacki: I took your advice about thinking my girlfriend was having an affair. I forced myself to be more trusting and not so paranoid. Well, the other night she brought a friend home and said the poor dear had nowhere to sleep that night, would I mind sleeping on the couch? I tried to understand that the friend had a bad back and couldn't sleep on the couch, but honestly, the idea of my lover and her friend in the same bed really bothered me. I am trying and trying to be a trusting girlfriend, but this paranoia is really getting the best of me. Help!

Dear Person-Who-Didn't-Sign-Her-Name-And-Expects-Me-To-Remember-Her-Like-I- Don't-Get-Hundreds-Of-Letters-A-Week-From-People-Who-Can't-Figure-Things-Out- On-Their-Own: Don't blame me for your problems! Letting your girlfriend bring someone home and sleeping with her right under your nose? Bad back? Yeah, right. Paranoid? You should be!! Why are you still there? Hmmmmm? Can't find the door???? Can you spell gullible? (Or is it gullable?) (You look it up. I have better things to do.) Did I tell you to stay??? I don't THINK so!!! I don't even know your name!

4. Dear Jacki: I am trying to write a love poem for my girlfriend. I am sure that you have written many a love poem and wondered if you could offer me any help? Signed: Stuck For Words In South Willowbranch

Dear Stuck: How should I know? Do I look like a poet to you? Sigh. Oh, all right. Here......

Roses are Red

Violets are Blue

Yada Yada Yada

There are three types of lesbian abuse: emotional/psychological battering, situational battering and chronic battering.

Chronic battering is the most common form of lesbian abuse. It involves physical abuse combined with increasingly destructive behavior. With emotional/psychological battering the abuser batters with verbal insults and threats instead of physical abuse. Situational battering is abuse, which occurs once or twice usually as the result of an event that throws the couple into a crisis.

Abuse can manifest in 7 forms, usually multiple forms are present in the abusive lesbian, bisexual, or transgendered woman's relationship. These forms are a way to manifest power and control over another person.

Using jealousy to justify action.
Controlling what you do, who you see and talk to, where you go, and limiting your outside activities.
Not allowing you to be involved in the gay/lesbian community.
Sabotaging new relationships.
Using the social marginalization and invisibility of lesbians to increase your isolation.
Benefiting from the lack of safe places to be 'out'.

Using visitation time to harass you.
Using children to relay messages and telling them bad things about you.
Threatening to take children away or restrict access to children.
Trashing your parenting style.
Threatening to 'out' you so as to put you at risk of losing children from previous heterosexual relationships.
Denying you parental rights as a co-parent.

Playing mind games, making you think you are crazy.
Putting you down, calling you names, making you feel bad about yourself.
Denying the existence of the relationship to you or community.
Imposing non-negotiated 'closeting'.
Encouraging shame and self-hatred about being lesbian, bisexual, or transgendered.

Making you afraid by using looks, actions, or gestures.
Smashing things.
Threatening to report you to welfare, immigration, etc.
Displaying weapons.
Abusing pets.
Destroying cherished items.
Using threats to disclose lesbian, bisexual or transgender identity to friends, family, or employer.
Coerced role-playing.

Making light of the abuse.
Saying the abuse didn't happen.
Saying you caused the abuse.
Blaming stress for the abuse.
Calling the abuse 'mutual' and that women can't be batterers.

Hitting, slapping, punching, biting, kicking, pushing or harming you in any way.
Withholding/preventing you from getting physical care, food, or medication.
Confining, hiding or preventing you from leaving.

Any sexual activity that is unwanted or coerced.
Sexual name-calling or accusations.
Uninformed sexual activity, i.e. non-disclosure of STD/HIV status.

Reinforcing control over you by use of gender, race, class, sexual orientation, immigration status, age, occupation, wealth, physical or developmental ability.
Using institutions to reinforce power or privilege.
Using the absence of legal rights (family, property, etc.) to reinforce power and control.
Maintaining a heterosexual pretense for the sake of instilling isolation and power/control through privilege.

Preventing you from getting or keeping a job.
Taking your money.
Making you ask for money or an allowance.
Not allowing you to participate in financial decision making.
Threatening to out you at work.
Denying your contributions or rights to family, personal/joint assets.

Viable resources for lesbians are few and improve if you live in a gay/lesbian friendly part of the planet.

The courts lack sensitivity to the issue of lesbian battering, they tend to view the situation as mutual. The courts and legal system don't acknowledge lesbian relationships as relationship so the domestic aspect of defining abuse and violence is undermined.

Homophobia in the law results in the lesbian abuse not being taken as seriously as heterosexual abuse. The courts and police often assume that the abuse is mutual or the larger woman is the abuser. Often courts will issue dual restraining orders which will give the abuser just another means of control and minimize the harm suffered by the abused person.

Support services or programs specifically addressing same sex domestic violence are limited. Lesbians may be able to obtain assistance and support from general domestic violence programs. These programs often unwittingly ostracize lesbians by using "he" when referring to the batterer and not providing literature that includes information for battered lesbians.

Progress is slowly being made in recognizing the need to provide more adequate resources for lesbian, bisexual, transgendered women victims of abuse.

In the community where I practice the women's shelter now has a support group for lesbians and staff trained to address the unique dynamics present within lesbian relationships. Several west coast and east coast communities are expanding their support services to address the gay and lesbian community. Much more still needs to be done.

All of us whether lesbian, bisexual or transgendered can help by acknowledging to ourselves and to our friends that this problem is real and exists within our own women's community, and to take it seriously.

Remember that approximately 39% of lesbian, bisexual, and transgendered women murdered are killed by their women partners.

This columns focus is psychological and emotional health/well being. Individual, couple, family and community concerns will be addressed here. I am a licensed lesbian feminist therapist. I am writing this column under an assumed nickname for your comfort and mine. The information and suggestions provided here should not be taken as a substitute for in person therapy with a trained clinician in your area. I offer here my perspective, knowledge, and experience to be taken, accepted or rejected as is.

I would like readers to submit topics of interest and questions you would like me to answer in the column. All questions will be answered with the author's identity withheld unless you specify otherwise. Confidentiality will be respected. Please send your comments, suggestions, and questions to me at shrinkonbarbie@yahoo.com



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