The column for people who want answers, even though they ask no questions

So...all of you obviously think you already know everything, as I don't seem to get any questions. Well, I've got news for you....that won't stop me. Nope. I'm here anyway.

Spring is here. Anybody notice? Well, at least Spring is here where I live. I don't know about everywhere else, though I probably shouldn't admit that, as it could put a real crimp in my reputation for knowing everything about everything.

I've been planting. Now, that doesn't mean I like to plant. No, not at all. As a matter of fact, I practically hate to plant. Planting insures that dirt will get on me and I abhor dirt. Wear gloves, you say? No way! That would imply that I might be a sissy planter and I could not live with that! So, hate it as I do, I nevertheless, get out there, under loud protest, and dig around and shove things into the ground or into pots until anyone lucky enough to be with me finally gets a gutful of my complaining and I am released to do other, much cleaner, not to mention, bug-free things. I hate bugs. Ewwww. Bugs. Yuk. This is how I do my own Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary thing.

I refuse to read directions on what to plant, where to plant it, when to plant it, what will happen if I plant it, anything like that. Just decide I might like it, believe that it will be trouble free, easy to care for (as in...plant and forget) and I dump seeds into the ground or dig holes and throw something in them, and step back, clean my hands and hope for the best. I have as good a chance for that to work as any. As a matter of fact, I live with someone who reads all the directions, studies everything and then follows none of it, either. My stuff grows as well as hers and with a lot less work. She waters, fertilizes, weeds, sweats, grovels in the dirt. I ignore everything, figure if it needs water, rain will happen, honor weeds right to live, believe fertilizer is just plain old sh*t anyway.

I must have some sort of magic touch. Everything grows. Well, until the Pruning Fairy chops it all down. I have decided that my partner grows things only so she can cut them all down. I don't understand that. I grow things for one of two reasons.....either to cover up the dirt or so that I can eat whatever grows. I am careful not to grow things which might be poisonous. That's important, though, I probably wouldn't ever have a chance to get poisoned as you-know-who would have pruned it to the ground way before harvest time. SHE says...you gotta prune it to make it grow. I say..you gotta let it grow first, for crissakes before you chop it off at ground level. I have yet to win this argument. (or is that arguement?) Once, I had a Wandering Jew growing in a pot in the house and it refused to grow, so I tossed it out the door. Three months later, I had Wandering Jew wandering everywhere. Luck you say? Humph! Innate gardening charm, I say.THIS year, no one believes it, but I am going to prove that you can grow under-the-ground food in pots. (I have very limited garden space and I am very creative) Last year, I had to grow beans in the median in the parking lot, but this year SOMEBODY is growing something weird..flowers...there, so I have been forced to plant my edible items in pots. It WILL work. I have every faith that it will. I am only temporarily the laughingstock of the neighborhood. However, I am making a list of people who will NOT be invited to the feast come Fall. Creative...yes. Forgiving...no. Don't forget that.

You know the best stuff to grow? Anything that comes in a little package that says....Drought resistant, full sun or total shade, stuff like that. No, I am NOT kidding. Think about it. Doesn't that just scream...Throw me in the ground and forget about me and prepare thyself for a miracle? Well, it does to me. And it's MY garden, not yours, and I didn't ask you anyway, did I?

How do you pronounce P-E-O-N-Y? Is it PE-ony or is it pe-ON-y? Ok, ok, THIS time, I AM asking you. And there's money riding on the answer. MINE.

How come I'm askin' all the questions here? That's YOUR job. My job is to answer questions. Something is wrong with this picture. Possibly, I have not had enough sleep. Well, THAT's certainly understandable. The neighbors upstairs are into day 6,432 of some sort of non-stop clomping marathon. I think they have platform shoes for feet. If I could, I'd walk on the ceiling day and night and day and night and day and night, just so they could enjoy the same background noise as I do. Oops. Sorry. Off subject. Silly me.

Ok, so what is this column about anyway, you ask? It's about garlic. HA! You can't grow garlic in pots! Wanna bet? Come see me this Fall and we shall see about THAT! Next month, should you decide to return. Or is that...should you decide to accept it? Wasn't that a line in some old TV show? YES! Mission Impossible. "Your mission, should you decide to accept, is...." Wasn't that it? Sure it was. Everybody needs a mission, don't you think?

What was I talking about?

Tell you what....just forget it. I don't have to make sense. I don't have to sound intelligent. All I have to do is write until I get tired.

Ah, some days are better than others, aren't they?

Well, chickies, I'll tell you what. I think we'll call this quits right here.

Remember........without me, you remain clueless...without you, I make relatively little sense. So....send in your questions. It doesn't matter what they are about because my answers won't make any sense anyway.

And that's the way it's supposed to be. I think. Maybe not. Try me. "Til next month....or whenever I feel like it again. I have to tell you this. Well, I feel compelled to tell somebody, and as long as you're still reading, it might as well be you, right? (oh, my loyal fans)

I used "spellcheck" and one of the choices it gave me to correct "crissakes" was...get this...."dressmakers". Now, tell me, is it any wonder that I never make any sense? "Dressmakers". Give me a break.

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Margaret Cho takes the stage in San Francisco where the audience is largely composed of Asian-Americans and gay/lesbian people. These are her people - they worship her - Margaret's totally gay oriented schtick is perfect here - and for our customers as well! Cho's jokes are funny and there appears to be plenty of improvisation for those of you who have seen this great comic before. For about half of the routine Margaret Cho explains how and why she is a faghag, for about 15 more minutes she mocks her mother (who was seeing her daughter's act for the first time) and she concludes with a revelatory session telling us of her short-lived career on network TV. Most humor comes from pain and Margaret Cho's is no exception. The tale of her cancelled television series and her subsequent problems with drugs, alcohol and weight loss may bring a ring of recognition from many viewers. Created by and starring Margaret Cho (TV’s All-American Girl, Face/Off, It’s My Party), this critically acclaimed and hysterically funny live performance presents the comedian at her stand-up best. This film is based on the show that was named one of Entertainment Weekly’s "Great Performances of 1999" and won New York Magazine’s "Performance of the Year Award". To purchase this video simply enter the title in the search box below or click on The Best Seller Link Below Search for a Book or Film Search For: Title Star Director Studio Author Keyword Catalog # AW & TLA... Beautiful Together! Lesbian Best Sellers Lost and Delirious The Girl (2000) I'm the One That I Want Relax... It's Just Sex! Better than Chocolate If These Walls Could Talk 2 Homo Heights Aimee & Jaguar Losing Chase Desert Hearts Treat By Angie Vicars Published by Harrington Park Press, Alice Street Editions Copyright 2001 by Angie Vicars ISBN 1-56023-214-5 (hardcover) 1-56023-215-3 (paperback) Reviewed by Cassandra Snow A charming account of lesbian love, Angie Vicars's Treat speaks with tender honesty of the joys and obstacles encountered by two women from different worlds as they embark upon their new, ecstatic romance. Yet, beyond the weak knees and initial breathless moments, little do they realize all that lies ahead. Upon witnessing actress and musician Maxine Ivers upon the stage, Gerd Mackenzie finds herself writhing in her seat as she anxiously contemplates the sensation within her which so intensely resembles desire. But, no, she isn't a lesbian, Gerd tells herself, she merely appreciates women. Nevertheless, with her fiancé Richard seated beside her, this blue blood Virginian of Laura Ashley chic finds herself increasingly confused, not to mention aroused, by her reaction to the dark-haired beauty before her. Enjoying the fortune of meeting Max in the green room post-performance, Gerd's desire is reciprocated by Max herself, who, despite her composure and grace, finds keeping her eyes off the blonde-haired business major an impossible task. And the rest, as they say, is herstory. But, how does a well-bred young southern woman come to terms with the sexual identity she has suppressed for years? How is she to respond to the hostile comments and sneers she receives from those who she had once considered friends? And what about her parents' disgust, disappointment and anger? Indeed, Gerd realizes, it is up to her to figure out the answers to those questions for herself. Lest one neglect to consider the adjustments and frustrations awaiting Max, who quickly discovers the challenges involved in maintaining a significant relationship. Free-spirited though set in her ways, Max knows well that it will take time for her to accept the compromises required in sharing her life with another. But, she wonders, is she truly capable of offering Gerd the support she needs during such a monumental time in her evolution? With authenticity and understanding, Vicars illuminates the journey traveled by these two young women as they discover precisely how much they are willing to give and just how enduring the love between them will ultimately prove to be. To Entertainment & Review Page 2 For Sports & Entertainment Play Crossword Puzzles Changes Daily

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